Finding our New Normal

This has been the strangest Christmas I have ever known.  The house is totally destroyed, with things out of place in a way that cannot be repaired until the construction is done.  Everyone is unsettled, and things are just... uncomfortable.  But... the Christmas tree is up, the cards are hung in the dining room doorway, and a beautiful wreath adorns the door to the messiest, most uninviting house on our street.  

Oh, how things have changed...

Had someone told me a year ago that I would be here; that this Christmas would be like this; I would have told them they were crazy.  You see, a little over a year ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer.  This time last year, we were pumping her up; getting ourselves pumped up, too; preparing to deal with the massive chemotherapy and radiation treatments to come.  And, while we only said it in whispers & never- ever- in our sweet Becky's hearing, we were determined to make Christmas 2017 the absolute most perfect Christmas ever.  

Truth be told, I think we succeeded. The tree was beautiful.  The food was amazing.  The house was filled with music, and laughter and the smells of cloves from the baked ham, cinnamon and apples and cranberries from the pie, and toasted pecans from the sweet potato casserole.  The house was warm, and welcoming and filled with family who teased and cajoled and enjoyed being together.  It was beautiful; nearly perfect; and we cherished every minute. 

We made it through the chemo and the radiation, and Becky was a trooper!  The cancer- evil creatures; cancer cells- was nearly completely gone.  She rallied, got stronger, took the kids bowling and to the sports center, and to get those crazy tropical flavored drinks they like.  Then she started her immunotherapy, and the nearly immediate downslide.  

In September, we lost our Becky.  

Nothing could have prepared us for this.  The sucker punch of all sucker punches.  And it hurt.  It hurt badly.

But what hurt more than losing Becky, was the crumbling of our family.  I don't know what it is about death that causes people to behave so strangely.  Oh, our family rallied together in the days following Becky's passing, but then... it just fell apart.  The things that have been said, the things that have been done; it's just been horrible.  My sister in law, someone I once counted as one of my closest friends, is completely gone from our lives- forever.  My niece,her daughter, is also no longer in the picture- not because my niece has said anything ill to us, we simply don't know where she is or how to contact her.  In fact, the only member of my mother in law's family with whom we are in contact is my nephew.  In those whispered discussions that my husband and I had about the potential losses, never once did the possibility of losing not only Becky, but our entire family, come up.   And yet, here we are. 

Change is the one thing we knew would happen.  I mean, our world just shifted.  Nothing is as it was.  We are moving things around in the house.  My father in law wants a change of scenery; to sleep in a different room.  I can't say as I blame him.  We're making him a cozy father in law suite(thus the construction mess I mentioned earlier), so that he can have his privacy when he wants it.  I'm sure he will appreciate the retreat when the house is full of giggling 13 year old girls and noisy 10 year old boys! But he will always have a place in our home; always be a part of our home. 

Over the past months, I would find myself saying things like, "When we get back to normal..."  It's a very common statement, isn't it?  I have come to realize that we don't know what "normal" looks like anymore.  We are moving forward with life; trying to keep doing what we believe to be right as we struggle to define our new "normal".   And before we knew it, Christmas was upon us.  

I wanted to feel that warm and cozy Christmas feeling this year, but it was pretty hard to find- No matter how many Hallmark movies I watched (which did help, I must admit).  I did send out Christmas cards, for which I am very proud.  I bought a new doormat, and a wonderful friend of mine made an amazing new wreath for my door.  The tree didn't get put up until Dec 21, but it went up... and it is beautiful.  We went to church for Christmas service, and were embraced by the love of our church family; a group new to our lives in the past year, but that I wouldn't want to do without.  On Christmas eve, I cooked a delicious Christmas dinner, but dessert was a frozen pie and homemade whipped cream.  There were no extra family members; just the 5 of us, but we ate our dinner, then watched a movie, had dessert, then played cards until it was time for bed.  And here the spirit of Christmas finally arrived for me.  In the quiet of the evening on Christmas eve, playing cards with my husband and children with carols playing softly, I finally found peace. We read "The Night Before Christmas", said our prayers and went to bed.  Christmas morning was the highlight of the season, and that was perfection.  The utter joy, the laughter, the appreciation for one another; it was all there Christmas morning.

Today, as I was clearing away some of the messier remnants from Christmas Day, I looked over at the cards hanging on the wall.  So many cards, and such a wonderful variety!  This year, we received more Christmas cards than I can ever remember receiving.  In a year with so much loss, here God sent me a reminder that we are not alone; that these are the people who will be with us as we move into our new normal- these and so many more.  The people who will walk with us in this new phase of our lives are as varied and beautiful as the cards hanging on my wall.  

The new year is coming, and with it the promise of new things; more change.  But we will welcome the changes; welcome the new; and the beautiful menagerie of friends and family will be with us as we take the next step on our journey & create our new normal.

Happy New Year.